It's all in the perception

Today God met my greatest needs in so many ways I never expected. You see, there's this cosmic gap that always lingers between what we seem to perceive as our needs and what God knows our actually needs really are. These where the words I had just spoken the night before, and little did I know just how big God would use my own words to show me just how much He really is invested in the finest details of my life. 

Last night, gathered around a dinner table full of beautiful women, sharing Gods goodness and wisdom from our hearts, I shared a word the spirit had spoken through me to another. It was a response to a question about being passive in waiting on God or being active in the waiting. I think both are imperative. I have this friend who was asking me how to move mountains. She told me that she needed a miracle and needed it now and how could she find faith to trust God in that? I told her that what we perceive as our needs are often times not what are actual needs are at all. God knows! He knows EXACTLY what we need. When we face circumstances requiring enormous amounts of faith, ask God for a change in your perception. When Chad and I were facing loosing our home I perceived our greatest need as a financial miracle to sustain us in our place, but God knew better and what we actually needed was to be homeless. Yes, you heard me right. We desperately needed to enter into a time of great desperation and hunger for God. So ask God first for a change in how you're perceiving the needs and then ask for a mighty work to be done in your heart, and then the mountains you need moved will be crushed! 

This morning I began to pray. I was praying for so many things. I was becoming anxious about relationships that I thought I had hurt, my children's behavior that I didn't have patients for this morning, my faith that felt weak, a friend who desperately needed to see her use by God, and so much more. I was praying for specific things to happen that I perceived as the answers to these prayers. I spent all morning praying and becoming more anxious and weary. Then, I got a call. My husbands voice was cracking over the phone in agony. He had injured his back pretty seriously. In attempted to lift a desk at work he had thrown his back out and was unable to move. He couldn't bear weight on his legs at all. When I saw him, he was panting and sweating, he couldn't stand and was in so much pain I thought he was going to pass out. We rushed to the emergency room. I was very frustrated. See, this was the fifth time we had been at the ER in the last month. It was just a series of unusual random events that had puts us there over the course of a month. This was the second time for Chads back. I sat back and watched my sweet husband try to smile through his pain, all the while I was trying to muster up the strength to just find a little joy. I decided to post on social media. We needed support. I immediately started getting feedback. First, the friend I had prayed for texted me. You know what she told me? To change my perception!! She used my own words and brought to my attention how I was away from the children and yes, that helped. I had just prayed for a break. I needed some time from them. Even if that meant time in the ER, I needed it. I wasn't being patient this morning and that's not fair to them and I needed room to breath. She reminded me of God knowing my needs better than I know my needs and she was so right. I was then able to point out to her how God had JUST used her to speak to me! Perfect! Through out the time we spent at the hospital I was connecting to so many people. I really needed to know how many people we have behind us, supporting us. Especially the friends I had perceived as having tension in our relationship. I had just prayed for that! The best blessing of all came last. The faith building. A sweet friend, that has been the biggest encourager in my life, texted me to point out that I should recognize this as an attack. I should be fighting and declaring truth and healing over Chad. I knew this, but lacked some motivation in my bad attitude that morning. Her gentle push gave me the strength to pull out my bible and start fighting. I started declaring Psalm 91 out loud over and over. Then I declared healing and truths over him. Friends, remember his condition coming into the emergency room? He WALKED unassisted out of that hospital!! Glory to God forever and ever!!  He's still sore but no one that saw him coming in can deny what they saw when he walked out!! So many blessings and so many needs were met today from my prayers this morning. My own words, God used them to show how much he is in the details. He is good and I can always trust that He knows what I need and will fulfill those needs. When I doubt, and I'm anxious, I just need a shift in my perception. Trust. God knows your needs and he is FAITHFUL to fill them. 

Character traits and Godly training.

I think I'm a fairly observant person...... No, I'm an extremely observant person. I seem to notice things some times that I think others don't see. I seem to have perspectives that are unique and enable me to have an innate sense of perceptiveness. 

I am also a deeply emotion person. I'm very sensitive to my own feelings as well as others. This fragile state is part of who I am. 

Sensitivity toward others is a good thing. God tells us we should be sensitive. 

Romans 12:16

Be sensitive to each other's needs - don't think yourselves better than others, but make humble people your friends. Don't be conceited.

God also tells us we should be perceptive, but from an eternal view point. 

Colossians  3:2

Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

If you pair sensitivity with perspective, you can have a very powerful effect on other people and the influences you have on their lives.

However, as with any trait or characteristic, they can go very wrong when not trained to be handled properly. 

Being super sensitive also means that I tend to overthink EVERYTHING. Pain is felt just as deeply as joy. Other people's responses to me can have profoundly devastating effects when I'm not keeping a leash on my emotions. I feel vulnerable almost all of the time. This has caused me to become, or attempt to, numb myself. The problem with numbing yourself is that you never actually become less sensitive. In fact, your heart will ache and break more often when you ignore or stuff the feelings. You just end up corrupting your perspective and everyone seems to be an enemy. Suddenly, the people you thought cared about you appear to have abandoned you. Listen to me, if you feel like no one is interested in you, or they just don't care about you in the same way you care for them, you are more than likely dead wrong. What you have to realize is that every person has different traits and characteristics that God strategically gives them to live out their callings and ultimately to glorify Him. If we were all overly sensitive and widely perceptive, there would be a whole lot more misconception, hasty reactions, and corrupt relationships. We need different traits to balance our relationships and bring uniqueness to the table. 

My husband is my polar opposite. He's often unaware of my feelings. I, however, can sense when he's upset within seconds of him entering a room. I've learned that if I'm feeling lonely or sad I have to verbally explain the depth of my feelings when I want comfort from him. And that's OKAY. It doesn't mean he's being apathetic, or indifferent, he just possesses different traits than I do. 

Now, here's what you need to watch out for; Satan is a liar and you better believe he's going to do everything he can to defile your sensitivity and perspective. He will use these traits as fierce weapons that will leave you aching breathlessly on the sidelines. I know, I've been there. It almost feels euphoric, like walking through a crowded room sobbing but no one sees or hears you. It's a dark dejected place to be.

Now I'm not suggesting you start battening the hatches and push everyone out of your life. For years I have put up walls and barriers in attempt to protect my feelings. This is true for anyone who has been deeply hurt. This response, though, many times unintentional, sets us up for greater hurt and disappointment. We assume that in keeping ourselves closed up, the pain will be less. What happens is when we do end up in a painful situation, we become vastly more devastated because we've already created stipulations on how much pain we should feel. When the pain exceeds those boundaries, we are absolutely crushed. 

So, here's what you can do to keep those traits working for you, not against you. 

1. Don't make assumptions. Don't assume that everyone should just know how you are feeling. Only you and God truly know the depth of what you are feeling. 

2. Be realistic. Don't let your mind run rampant. Always bring everything back to God's word. Check for accuracy. Abandon anything that doesn't line up and move forward with the truths. 

3. Kill the expectations. Putting expectations on people or situations will only leave you frustrated and hurt. Never expect situations to have a certain outcome. Just act in whatever way you feel lead and trust God to do the work. 

4. Check your emotions. Always ask yourself if what you are feeling correlates with God's truths. Ask God to reveal any deception in your emotions. 

5. Use your gift! You have a beautiful gift. You have the ability to sense when someone needs an encouraging word. You are able to perceive problems before they arise. God gave you sensitivity and perceptiveness to be used for Him. So Glorify Him and use what He's given you.  

6.Train yourself. 1 Timothy talks about training yourself to be Godly. How do we learn a new job or strengthen muscles? From training. So keep yourself close to God in prayer and fellowship. Read the word every day. Ask God to give you more opportunities to use your gifts, and trust that He will help you to become stronger and more efficient. 

7. Give yourself permission to fail. No one has ever became good at something without failing. Failing is a beautiful thing! It's the birth place of tireless endurance. Our failures soften the hardest parts of our heart. Failure takes us to a place of humility and allows room for the spirit to work within us. 

Weather you're sensitive, perceptive, or you possess different traits, these steps are pretty universal. I think you will find them usefully regardless of what your strengths and weaknesses are. And I'm sure that I will need to come back to this and reread it for myself. 

I want the end with these thoughts:

1 Timothy 4 states that physical training has some value but godliness has value for ALL things holding promise for both the present life and life to come. 

So much depth in that one statement. 

He goes on to say USE YOUR GIFT! Watch your character, teach others by your life, and be immersed in the word. 

Live by these and those around you will be brought to freedom!! That's great news, friends! That's what we're here for. Love God and love His people. Glory and honor to Him forever! 

Sweet daughter, hold on just a little longer.....

So you've been knocked down. The road ahead looks long and dark? You can't seem to find your way any more. The uncertainties are paralyzingly you. You look at your situation and wonder how God could possible change it? Your feet are weary and you wonder if you will make it another step?

Sweet daughter, I am here to encourage you in love, to help lift your downcast face up toward the the one who wants to fill your broken heart with His perfect unconditional, healing love.

God is fighting SO HARD for YOU right this very minute. His arms are stretched wide and you have every permission to drag your weary feet and collapse in His perfect, strong, protecting arms.

I want to tell you a story of my hopeless situation and how God gave me a simple promise in my darkest hour and how that promise kept me holding on and has now been completely fulfilled above and beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

We had been dealing my husbands drinking for more than a decade. We had faced loosing our home the year before, but this time we couldn't redeem it. He was so far into his addiction that I didn't even know who he was any more. He was an awful person to be around, and I took every opportunity to leave that house whenever I could. Many nights I would drive to empty parking lots and just sit in my car, alone, crying, broken, desperate. I hated him. I hated the addicted him. 3 of our 5 children were becoming depressed and expressing behavioral issues in various forms. We hadn't paid our rent in 6 months, because he needed that money to support his addiction. He was drowning himself in alcohol and when the drinking stopped keeping him from hating himself he tried to end it. He took a handful of pills one night and ended up spending two days in the hospital recovering. He was so consumed with addiction he didn't know how to get out and he despised himself. We had till the end of the month to pack our things and be out. I told him that when moving day came I was taking the kids and going some place where he couldn't hurt us any more. He laughed and said "Fine. Doesn't bother me. Have a nice life". Oh did it hurt. So bad. A couple weeks before we had to be out he went crazy. He had come home really drunk one evening. He was stumbling up the drive way and I locked the doors. I had the kids watching a movie and didn't want them to see him, so I tried to talk to him through the back door and tell him to leave. He refused and demanded that I let him in the house. When I objected, he became belligerent and punched through the glass on the back door. I can still feel my heart racing as I held the door with all my strength, tears streaming down my face, his hands trying to pry mine off the lock, the sound of the sirens approaching, and then flashlights rounding the corner. He called me the next morning begging to come home, but I told him he couldn't come back. I told him that I couldn't do anything more for him unless he would agree to get help. Reluctantly, he agreed to go to rehab. I packed him a bag, picked him up and drove him to rehab. When I dropped him off all he said was "I'm going to try but I know this won't work". It seemed so hopeless. I spent the next week packing our belongings, still unsure where we were going, and caring for our 5 children. Moving day came and all of our things went into a small storage unit.

Here I was, 5 kids, homeless, my alcoholic abusive husband in rehab, a broken shattered heart, and the road in front of me looked black. No sign of light anywhere, just darkness. How could God possibly do anything with this situation?? I felt so hopeless. It was in my darkest hour God gave me a promise to hold onto. He brought me to Psalm 71:20-21

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once more.

God promised me that if I could just hold on, He would comfort me and restore my life again. I held onto to that promise with every ounce of strength I had. I marked it in my bible that day. I had no idea what God had in store for me in the days to come.

God spent 15 months rebuilding our family. He completely reconstructed our entire family. We went through some super rough times through the following year, but the work God was doing was absolutely amazing!!! He has completely restored our lives beyond what any of us could have ever imagined. We now have a beautiful home, where God is the center and addiction is defeated! Now that the addiction is gone, my husband is the sweetest most compassionate man. Now I get to watch him pray life over our children and myself. We talk about what God has planed for our future and we get excited. I have fallen in love with him in a way I never knew existed. God is so faithful.

My God has picked us up, dusted us off, clothed us in His best, and lined us up next to Him. Now we stand strong and steady next to the king, as sons and daughters with our rescuer. Amazing!!! Some times I can't even catch my breath when I think about how much He's done for us.

So, Sons & Daughters, rise, look to the heavens, and pour out your heart to the only one who can fill it with that perfect love you so desperately crave. Hold on just a little longer! Comfort and restoration are waiting for you.

Do you tally up your failures?

Perfection does not exist in the world of motherhood, or any world for that matter. Never has, never will. I'd like to think I'm a 50/50 mom. I get it right about half the time, and the other half I'm falling flat on my face. Take this morning for example.....

My 5 year old was up and ready before anyone else this morning. She was buzzing around the house with excitement for her, soon to be had fun, fieldtrip to the park with her classmates. She knew she needed to pack a lunch from home, and started in on that right away! She carefully placed broccoli, cauliflower, tomatoes, and a carrot in her bag. She also packed an apple and water bottle. Good food choices make for a proud mommy. No sooner had she packed her lunch, I remembered that my 7 year old had not done her homework last night. We quickly scrambled to finish it before leaving, which in turn made us later than usual to leave the house. Ok, so we had +1 for the food choice and -1 for the forgotten homework. Now, I have 4 children in 3 different schools. The oldest walks, because the high school is just blocks away. I usually drop off the older two of the others first, because it's just easier. However, today I told my youngest we would drop her first because she was about to have a melt down, thinking we were so late that she would miss her feildtrip. On the way to drop everyone off I asked my 7 year old to pray for everyone's day. She gladly prayed for each of us, with sweet words to JESUS. As I rounded the corner to the drop off, I could see the car line up was crazy packed. Everyone must have been running late I guess. If you know anything about dropping off in car line ups, it's crazy. The kids have to practically barrel roll out of the vehicle while you drive by. If they don't accomplish a fast enough exit from the vehicle, you can see other under caffeinated moms giving you the stink eye for holding up the line. I always prep my kids as we pull up. "Are you ready? Book bag on? Love you! Have a great day!" Kaylee, my youngest, is the slowest of the bunch. She just can't be rushed. She was taking an extraordinarily long time to exit the van this morning and Sierra (my 7 year old) decided to speed things up. "Kaylee, go go go!!!" This caused Kaylee to be overwhelmed, so she jumped out of the van and starts screaming to us, and I mean yelling loud enough that I'm sure the entire line up heard her. "You just don't have to tell me what to do!!! You don't need to rush me!"  Then she slammed the door, and I hid my head as I pulled away and drove past the other moms. +1 for the prayer, -1 for the bad attitudes.

Here's how to tally your score.

Mom: +2
Covered by God's infinite Grace: +2

Don't tally up your failures, because God doesn't! Everything is covered by His enduring love and mercy. So often we try to judge ourselves against our successes and failures. We try to be "good enough" to feel good about how we are living out our lives. Friends, JESUS died so that we wouldn't have to be judged, because He knew we would fall short. He already knows we are not capable of living the life we ought too, and guess what? He STILL chooses us, and actually says he's NOT ashamed to call us brothers and sisters. (Hebrews 2:11) No matter how bad and how often you fail, JESUS has covered ALL of it. Stop trying to be good enough to feel good enough. When you fail, and oh will it happen over and over again, just move into God's grace. Leave your shame and guilt at the cross and continue on my friend. Stop tallying your failures and let God cast them as far as the east is from the west. Remember, we cannot change anything! Nothing, by our own strength is sanctified. Let the one who gave you life, do the work in you, that you are not capable to produce.

Your efforts in trying to be Holy, are useless. You cannot obtain this, and God doesn't want you to dwell on trying to be more Holy. He wants you to passionately pursue HIM through reading His word and deepening your relationship with Him. When you put God as your number 1 priority, everything else falls into place. You begin to gain more patience, unconditional love, humility, and so much more. And just so you know, I'm preaching to myself here! Stop trying to be Holy and draw near to the only one who IS Holy. When we are around someone long enough, their actions start to rub off on us. Let JESUS be the one who rubs off on you and ME.

2Corinithians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

~a letter to the enemy~

My heart is weak, but my soul is firmly planted, and nothing can uproot that. I'm writing this to fight for what remains, and is about to die. I'm attempting to put this down on paper, in words, to ward off the evil that's been grasping at my feet. All the while, my running has slowed to walking, walking to crawling, and crawling to dragging. 

To the liar:
You have been playing tricks with my mind for the past few weeks. I know who I am, and these feelings I've been having, are not me. You see, the very spirit that raised JESUS from the dead, lives INSIDE me. He has every power over you. All the lies you may tell me, mean nothing. You should be aware, that on my heart there are truths that have been PERMANENTLY etched in that place, and no word or affliction can take them away. Try as you may, every promise that God has already written for my life, is irreversible!! Your efforts at destruction are useless. 
You think you're winning because I've been so down lately, but you forgot something; my GOD has already won! He's already conquered you! He's fighting for me, every second of every day, and all I need is to be still. For that very reason I can raise my head, and approach the throne of Grace, with FULL CONFIDENCE, knowing that I am already forgiven. NOTHING you have taken from me, can't be found in JESUS, nothing! You accuse me, you demand my imprisonment, but your rule will not stand up in any court room. Jesus stands in my place. He takes every penalty and accusation against me, and declares my innocence. Although, you may have been given permission, to inflict pain on my life, all your efforts are being used against you. My Father has orchestrated a perfect plan, a unique design, for my life, and everything you've been allowed to touch, is actually working for my benefit. Did you really believe that you could render me useless to God in your feeble attempts to inflict suffering? It only makes me stronger. With every blow, every punch, I am being refined, and strengthened to live out this divine purpose, and bring glory to my king! Nothing can separate me from His love. You are nothing more than a vile deceiver whose eternity remains forever in the pits of Hell. YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME. In the name of Jesus Christ I declare freedom from this bondage! I have been set apart, I am predestined, I have been marked, I have been free'd, I am no longer a slave, I am a new and beautiful creation, He gives me strength, He makes me brave, I am valuable, and I am HIS!

By this time you should be able to see my devotion and relentless pursuit of Jesus Christ. You see, God has given me promises and vision beyond my own means. I anticipate those promises to come to pass very soon. 

You have been tried and found guilty! We will certainly meet again, but I will not be fearful. My God has not given me a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love. No, I will NOT fear, for I already rest in presence of the one who calls himself "I AM!" I gain confidence and strength as He exposes your fraudulent schemes, you great deceiver! In the words of Jesus "GET BEHIND ME SATAN" you have no power here!

Be liberated friends! Jesus has already conquered the battles you are fighting at this very moment. Freedom is here! Stand firm, join hands, and let's show that lair whose we are! 

Part 1 - The Sacred Place

I'm a 33 year old, married, mother of 5. Here's what you need to know about us. We are homeless. My husband is an alcoholic. I have 1 step daughter and 4 children with my husband. Our first child came when I was 17 and had only known my husband for those 9 months of pregnancy. Only 1 our children was planned. We've endured the loss of two miscarriages. Our marriage has suffered affairs. There has been mental and physical abuse. There have been addictions. There have been attempted suicides. That is where we have been but that is not were we are, or are going. I'm about to tell the world about a mysterious, infinite God who rescued us. We are a living testimony of true miracles. And as I write this book you will experience the deliverance out of this homeless situation with us, so that all who read this might see and believe in the power of a relentless God. 

Tonight I write to you from this tiny little 9x9 room. This little room holds all of our things. This little room is where God has changed my heart. This little room represents barriers being shattered, hearts being healed, battles being won, but it also represents, painful nights, hopeless feelings, intense anger, but also perseverance, intimate moments, strength and courage. So many things this little room represents. It was within these walls I was taught the deepest of lessons. This place is sacred. 

Maybe you're in a dark place or you've been there. I believe the dark places become our sacred places. When God sends us into these dark, lonely, barren places, the unfathomable can happen!! He sends us into complete blindness of anything ahead of us, and as the darkness lingers He is working with diligent hands that are fast and strong, chipping away at our hearts and surroundings. He does this so that when He flicks the light switch back on everything around us will be breathtakingly beautiful! His glory is most revealed in these moments. 

If we were able to see what He was doing in the darkest corners of our lives, the power would lose its effectiveness. If we were able to watch a caterpillar transform into a butterfly, as if the cocoon were transparent, and every day we could see a little more of the beauty, we would loose the awe factor when it's finally completed. But to see an ugly little caterpillar enter its cocoon and then to see it emerge into this extraordinarily different and amazingly beautiful creature is stunning. 

When God sent Joseph into dark prison walls and oppressing slavery, He was working to change Joseph's heart and the people around him. From that darkness, beauty emerged when Joseph became ruler of Egypt saving everyone from starving to death. He was able to completely forgive his brothers for the sin against him and save his whole family. From slave and wrongly imprisoned to ruler of everything is how our God works. 

Though we deserve none of the grace God freely gives us, we can rejoice knowing that He won't take us into blindness without creating beauty and Glory for Himself through it. 

That wraps up all I'm going to say about where my story begins. Stay turned for Part 2 coming soon!

The Miracle is About to Happen!

There is a miracle that HAS happened and a miracle that WILL happen.  I'm writing this as a testimony to anyone God may draw to see and believe.

I humbly step out from the shadows and bow with all humility to my rescuer. HE gets the glory for every last inch of it. I only ask, God, that your words and YOUR story of my life be told in its entirety that others may see and be amazed at what you have done. I ask that in spite of my powerless and weak being, you speak through me to reach those that also need rescuing. May my life be a testimony of your great love and mercy. Rid me of this pride that wells up in me for fear of what some may see of how I once was. The story is yours and the point of you pulling me, us, from this wreckage is for the upmost glory it will bring to you. My life has been a series of bad decisions and I was much more lost than I ever realized until you pulled me right out of that dark place.

I'm going to start telling my story now and by the time I finish the miracle that you have promised will have happened.

But I want you to know, reader, that the real miracle has already happened. He rescued a wretch like me. My situation has not changed but my heart is completely whole now. As I tell my story God, my prize, will do another miracle. He has promised and I will believe, even at the risk of my reputation. Brave and bold He makes me. Each step stronger than the last. By the time I'm done telling this story, He will have delivered us from this homeless situation.

For the record everything is currently the same. Part time work which means there is not enough income to sustain us on our own. Jobs have been applied for weekly for months without any phone calls. My husband still has dyslexia so no he cannot read or write well to get the job he needs for sustaining us. The situation still appears hopeless, but nothing is ever how it appears. We serve a God of miracles and He is the provider and the shelter. Humanly it's not calculable, but spiritually it's already completed! Be ready friends, this is going to get good! I can hardly contain my excitement!!!