My BEST year

This past year has been one of the BEST years I've ever had! If you know me personally, and are aware of the challenges we've faced, you might be a bit surprised that I'm calling it my best year. 

Probably my most favorite book of the bible is James. James 1:2-4 has been quoted to me and by me, but I don't think I really understood how to live it.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

Some of what I prayed in 2014:
Jesus,
Pure joy? Seriously? How do I have pure joy when my husband has lost job after job (nearly 15 jobs) over the past 5 years? Why should I be thankful when my van has broken down about 25 times (not even exaggerating) in the last year? Am supposed to be happy about being homeless for an entire year now? Let's not even talk about the living conditions! Will my step daughter ever come over again? It's been two years and she was my best friend. What about all those lonely nights I spent, sitting alone in the dark, wondering if my husband would ever stop drinking, or if he even loved me. And all the times I felt so lonely and isolated; all the times I felt like you were striping away every person I wanted to find comfort in at the times I needed them the most! Where is the joy in that!?!? I'm drowning and you seem so far away, Lord rescue me! I'm breaking. 
You know the desires of my heart. You know I want to honor you in all I do. I want my family to always glorify you. I want to be a light in the world. I want people to be attracted to me because they can see and feel Jesus when they are with me. I want to be your humble servant, show me how. Please God rescue and CHANGE my heart. Break it for what breaks yours. Transform my will to yours.

And sweet Jesus answered me with pure, beautiful, truths:

My child,
You are precious in my sight. I know the desires of your heart and I give generously to those who ask. YOU were CHOOSEN for this purpose, for these tasks, and I will make you strong and hold you up with my righteous right hand. When you call for help, I will rescue you and comfort you. Do not be afraid for I am with you. You will be royalty in my kingdom, and I will show my glory through you wherever you go.

Gasp! Me? Royalty? I am not worthy of such a title! I am a broken sinner. I have so many flaws, and I fail time and time again with the same struggles! Wait, what did God say to me? I asked for wisdom. I have asked for desire and passion. I pleaded for my heart to break like Jesus heart breaks. I've asked to have compassion and to be able to encourage others. I've asked for so many things, and I desperately want these attributes!The ONLY way to get these things is through perseverance in trials. 

Every trial, every sharp and stabbing pain, every lonely night, every tear is for gain. Gaining what our hearts truly desire! God couldn't use me much with the condition my heart was in before. I ASKED for Him to transform me. It took a long time for me to really see what God was doing in my heart. I was angry, jealous, and I had a lot of self pity. I resisted for quite some time which slowed the process down, but when I finally let go and relinquished my control, the work began to take root and growth happened. I can see and feel the places in my heart that God has taken out and filled in with His mercy. I am so incredibly different from who I was at the beginning of this year. To look at my old self and see the progress is pure joy my friends. Now am so thankful for every situation and circumstance that has left me with only God to hold onto. God had to strip certain idols from my life, out of my heart, for me to desperately want Him. I may be being prepared for even more difficult trials, but now I face them with boldness and courage, warped up in Joy for what He is doing in my heart,  that I am powerless to do. 

We are the branches and He is the vine. He has to prune us to get more growth. If you are being pruned you are being prepared for greatness! Find joy in the midst of your brokenness with faith that God is making you new! 

One night a few months ago I was out running some errands, and I like to worship when I'm driving. I was sing quite loudly and asking God desperately to show me just a twinge of His glory. I believed that he would and when He did I was breathless! When you ask without doubt and with that kind of passion you'll be speechless at the outcome. Pray with passion and desire. Speak from the very depths of your being!   

So, 2014 is thus far, my best year! It's my best year because the deep desires of my heart are to be like Jesus, and never in my life have I experienced so much growth in such a short time. I am SO very excited to see what God brings for me and my family in 2015!!

Progress report:
My husband has quit drinking!! And I KNOW he loves me. We both quit smoking! (I'm still a bit uneasy putting that out there because I really tried to hide it from everyone that I was a smoker, but I believe that's just a pride struggle so I'm being vulnerable with that one)
We have had a complete relationship healing with my step daughter. I've also seen huge growth in my kids. My husband has also become a spiritual leader in our home for the first time, and I cannot even begin to describe the amount of growth he has had in the last few months! These are just the most visible blessings we've seen this year, and I expect more to come VERY soon.